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The Compost Heap/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW (applause) (whooping) thank you very much. I'm happy to announce we had a breakthrough in our ongoing cash crunch. We have decided to grow some of our own food. Gardening? That's excellent! That's way-- oh, that's great. Gardening shows get way better ratings than hunting and fishing shows, or whatever this is. Harold, we're not gonna garden. Men don't garden. My wife gardens, my mother gardens. Men don't garden -- they farm, all right? It's the same idea, but you lose more money. You said you wanted to save money. Well, we will, harold. We listed the food we spend the most on. We picked one we're gonna grow. So, like, fruits or vegetables or... ? No. Beer nuts. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Ranger gord's gonna do a little step-dancing for you. Edgar montrose is working tirelessly, as usual. I'm gonna do a little power-gardening out behind the lodge. Good old garth harble's gonna go out of control. I cannot believe beer nuts is the number-one expense. It isn't, but we d't know how to grow pizza. How about something like radishes or green beans, something that's easily grown? We want to grow stuff that we eat, all right? Last year, our whole vegetable budget was $7.00. We ended up with a $6.00 surplus. You can't just plant one thing. It's not good for the soil. You gotta rotate your crops. If that's like spinning your wheels, I'm doing that right now. Say, for instance... Ok, say I take a leek. I'd rather you didn't. No... (audience laughing) no, I'm talking about beans and leeks and cucumbers. You gotta rotate your beans and leeks and cucumbers. Why don't you take a cucumber and rotate it? (audience laughing) (applause) (cheering and whistling) and they wonder why the young people are leaving the farm. (red): Bill's gonna be clearing land for our garden. He's got one of these chipper-shredder units that takes everything and shreds and chips it. That's how they got-- well, the name is kind of sensible... Kind of a sensible thing. I hadn't noticed that he was... Gotta get those brakes checked... (sputtering) this is edgar montrose. You know, today's explosives are more powerful than ever. For example, there's a new kind of dynamite that can blow an entire tree over... 498, 499... 500. ... Over 500 yards. Oohhh! (coughing) red... Your daughter has just brought home her latest romantic conquest. Another float in a parade full of losers. She's just said those six words you've been dreading since she started dating this doorknob. "what do you think of him?" now, be careful. She is your wife's daughter. One false word, she could blow up just like her mother. Even worse -- she's younger. She's got more energy. You know the guy's a deadbeat. Even your dog doesn't like him. You can't tell her that. All right, so, you have to lie, big time. You say he's a fine young man. Say he's outstanding. Respectable. Really nice. Say you want to spend time with him. Say you want to take him fishing. Or... Or... Or... Say you want to take him to lodge meetings! She'll drop him in a flash. She can't stand the thought of telling people that she's dating a friend of her father's. (audience laughing) (applause and cheering) ♪ oh, there's something about a camp-fire ♪ ♪ that makes us all feel warm ♪ ♪ not just on the outside ♪ ♪ but in many of our internal organs ♪ ♪ it helps true friendships form ♪ ♪ oh, there's something about a camp-fire ♪ ♪ the smoke, the smell are sublime ♪ ♪ and it's really, really manly to burn up a forest ♪ ♪ one log at a time ♪ (coughing) thought I'd use "handyman corner" to do a little farming for all of you who see the sense in growing your own beer nuts. The most important part is picking the ground. Don't plant where people park cars, especially if they've got leaky gaskets. Don't plant 'em near a fire hydrant. That really affects the taste of the nuts. They taste like pistachios. The deal with nuts is that the nuts are the seeds of the nut plants, so to seed the nut plants, you gotta plant the nut seeds, and, of course, vice versa. First thing you want to do is dig a hole three inches deep. Just round that out-- all right, that's fine. You may need a shovel to give yourself the leverage. No shame in that. Boy, this is tough stuff, here. (gasping and grunting) (sniffing) all right, at this point, a lot of people would pick another piece of ground. But a lot of people aren't me... Not that that bothers them. I figure I'm a man and this is dirt. Dirt does not tell me where to go. Everybody else does that. If I've got the plan to put my seeds here, it's up to the spot here to adapt to my plan. (grunting) (drill squeaking) oh! When the pioneers settled this great country, they had to overcome obstacles, obstacles like famine, drought, hard ground, expensive beer nuts. Did that bother them? No, sir. They tried to reason with the problem, tried to solve it in a peaceful way, but eventually, when push came to shove, they'd take their beer nut and they'd shove it into their customized b.B/beer nut planter. Just load 'er in there... Fire 'er up... And let nature take its course. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Hey, maybe the people next door would like to have a beer nut tree of their own. That would be neighbourly. Hey! Sorry! Must be vegetarians. We got some pictures to show you in "male call". Our first attempt at growing our food was not a complete success. Had all the equipment. Had the engines waling away. Had a road salter there to spread out the beer nuts. Winston had hooked up his septic tank to a zamboni. That was gonna give us the fertilizer. Had a street cleaner for irrigating the field but the pressure was so strong, it washed the whole field away, right down to the bare asphalt. You can get topsoil at gracie's garden centre and video store. Sure you can, but it's $30 a bushel. Beer nuts are only $25 a bushel. This is not "economically viable", all right? You're gonna need topsoil. Maybe if everybody wiped their boots, you'd get enough. No, harold, after dark, we're gonna go to the golf club with a snow-plough and a dump-truck. We're gonna peel back about five acres on one of them par fives, take out a few tons of dirt and just lay 'er back down again. (audience laughing) I've heard of replacing your divot-- uncle red, you can't do that. No harm, there, harold. It will still be a par five, just a foot lower. Nobody will even notice once we hammer the cup into the green. You could always make your own topsoil. Yeah, it's real easy. Just get a composter. You take fruit and vegetable scraps and some worms and bippety-boppety-boop, you got grade "a" loam. And it's free. Free, harold? Free. Free? Free -- "economically viable". (laughing) (audience laughing) too often, a person forgets about safety, and far too often, that person is buzz sherwood. Yo, red guy! Harold, I owe you a nuggie. Come here, harold. Oh, come on, harold. Man, a little dab'll do ya. So, buzz, what is the safety theme today? I'm going for a long-distance endurance flight, so safety is critical. Kind of a long-distance record. I hold the provincial record for the biggest mid-air explosion, and most flames in take-off and landing. You're the only pilot to ever land on one pontoon. When did I do that? Last year, you brought 'er down in the sewer. Yeah, but this stunt, I'm doing on purpose. Oh! You certainly got enough stuff out here. I got everything, man. I got the lifejackets -- safety first. Absolutely. I got extra fuel, and check this out. Have you seen these? They're called "maps". You look at it and it's like a little picture of where you can go. Names on it and everything -- cool! All right, so where are you going on this flight? Weather permitting -- you know, safety first -- I'll be up at the crack of noon and I'm going due east-- no, east is over this way. Sorry, ok, right. I'm going due east to port asbestos-- no, port asbestos, now, that would be down this way. Really? Oh, yeah. Far out! I'm flying in the direction of port asbestos. Ok, and then what? I'm gonna fly to port asbestos and land, non-stop. That's only about 20 miles. That's not gonna be a long-distance record. Oh, no, I'm not going for a world record. This is, uh... I'm sort of going for a personal best here. (laughing) oh! Oh! Oh... (coughing) this is edgar montrose, reminding you that using just a little extra fuse wire is worth the expense. Give me another 30 yards! It's "male call"! (applause and cheering) our letter today comes from fred from fenelon falls and he sent us some photos, harold. Why don't you read the letter? Okey-dokey, it goes as follows... Um... "these are pictures from our fishing trip. "the first one shows the six of us "in our fishing outfits, making silly faces. "next is our favourite fishing spot, six stone ridge. "the third photo shows our lunch, "a half-dozen open-faced sandwiches, "and finally, two big trout and four bass." these are not the clearest pictures I've seen, harold. I think that's the family of six. No, I think those are the six fish, there. (audience laughing) what's all that green stuff? That's... That's moss. That's the six stones. That could be the lettuce on the sandwiches. Aren't those eyes? Those are fish-eyes, I think. No, those are pimentos. Oh, yeah. Those are the-- those are the-- oh, no, no, no, no. Those are the fish. There's the fish over here. Look, two trout, four bass. Oh... Why are the trout wearing running shoes? All right, well, thanks for writing, fred. It looks like you had a great time on your holiday. Either that's a dill pickle or mom needs a nose job. Ranger gord, there's a lot more to your job than just watching for forest fires. Gosh, yes, red, infinitely. If I only had to wait for fires, I'd have gone nuts by now. I also keep track of the weather. It's time to take today's weather report. If you like, you can watch. That would be great. I don't mind. (clearing throat) sunny... Well... No. No way -- partly cloudy. I'd say so, yeah. And... ... Warm. Ok, there it is. You call that in to the weather office? No, I just keep them. I've got 16 years of weather reports in my tower, all ready to go. Ready to go for what? Whatever. Oh. Whatever!! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Another important part of the forest ranger's job is wildlife management. It's my job to watch the species and to make sure that any one species doesn't become too numerous. If they do, I have to thin them out. By killing them, gord? Yeah. Yeah, it's necessary to maintain nature's balance. I'm very careful, though. I only try to take out the elderly or the weak or the very lonely. Um, for instance, here. Let's have a look at these ants. You notice there's way too many of them. You see that? So they have to be thinned out. Here we go. (yelling) die! Die! Die! Die! (yelling) oh, he-e-e-ere's johnny! Oh, you think so, huh? Ahhh! See that big one there? (yelling) die! Die! Die! (yelling) like I said, it keeps me sane. Well, I don't think you're doing it enough, then. Ok. (yelling) (humming) the possum lodge composter has been officially opened. We're accepting anything from anyone who wants to dump something. We've had scraps of broccoli and turnip, but so far, it's mostly tires. Uncle red, you can't make topsoil out of tires. You need plant material. It's a chemical reaction. If you have chemicals, you'll have reactions. It's sitting there now. Stinky's gonna bring some paint cans and some kielbasa. That should get 'er going. Life's so simple when you don't know what you're talking about. (red): Meanwhile, back at the chipper and shredder, we're still trying to have an adventure. We used to rent these things, these units. They're pretty-- ... Pretty expensive. Well, that will be fine. It will be covered. Just get-- ow! Ow! By golly. Anyway-- no, bill, get the hand out. Get the hand out -- there we go. Yeah, get the hand-- these units are gas-powered, with a four-cycle. You don't need a lot of power. They really throw the chips, though. I would suggest that you... That you empty the unit, um, before starting. You put the branches in, and look at that thing. Isn't that beautiful? Just shred everything up. They're a good unit. Those are rocks or stones. You're gonna-- bill! Those are gonna fire out of there! Oh, my gosh! Look out! Look out! I put the van behind the barn. What do you got? No, take it off the pitchfork, bill. Take it off the pitchfork. No, I don't mean that way. No, bill, that's-- metal fork-- metal-- hang on, hang on, hang on! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Ohhhh, man! All right, bill, don't ever do-- bill, you're-- come on out of there. Stop playing in-- don't play in there. Get out of there. Out you come, out you come. One good yank and-- oh! Shoe's come off! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Ohhhh! You all right, bill? (groaning) well, he's shredded, but he looks pretty chipper. (laughing) oh, man. Stay tuned for an important lesson on paint fumes. Whoo! Ho! Hey! Ow! Hello! What is that smell? Whoa (laughing) it's great, isn't it? The old composter's really starting to hum. Oh! Argh! The truck batteries kind of gave it a jump-start. I heard an explosion. How do you make compost explode? I never heard of that before. We are the men of possum lodge, harold. We're cutting-edge. (audience laughing) cutting corners is more like it! I saw buster throwing a mattress on there. Composters don't like mattresses. Well, he seemed to enjoy it. "he"? It's one of the guys now? Yeah, yeah. We gave it a name. We call it ian the composter. We put the mattress on, and ian sniffed at it and then... Remember what happened to the map of the ponderosa at the beginning of "bonanza"? Yeah, little brown spot. It goes up in flames and the whole map's in smoke. Yeah, that's what happened to the mattress. Instead of flames, it was green goo. That's when the really bad smell started. Even stinky peterson is complaining. Wouldn't be so bad if we were upwind. We are. Oh, boy. Yeah. (audience laughing) we're all set to play our possum lodge word game with animal control officer garth harble. Just get the word from harold and show it to the people at home. Ahhh... Say this in 30 seconds or less, you'll win our grand prize -- a year's supply of laxatives and a used tuba. Oh, ok. You ready to go? Ok. Uh... Guidance. Guidance, guidance, guidance... Guidance counsellor. Useless, useless. No, that squirrel mauled your arm. It was out of... ... Its gourd. No, no -- probably, but what it lacked was... Vitamin "c", I would say. People wear a girdle because it gives them... ... A rash. What? Uh, I've been told. Almost out of time. What do you do to animals? Clean 'em, groom 'em, curse 'em! What it says on your truck. Uh, isuzu! No, your job name! Uh, area representative! What do mean people do to animals? Turn 'em into chicken fingers! Really? Yeah, apparently. Ok, what your boss does to you. Ohhhh! Control! That's the one! Boy, that was great. All right, the important thing when using solvents is, uh... Can't remember right now. (laughing) oh, that's pretty, isn't it? Oh, hello! Uh, yeah, I think it's, um... Uh, there's something. Boy, that was a great album. Ohhh... Ohhhhh... No, no, I remember -- ventilation. It's 3:00 in the morning. She's rolling out of bed to answer the call o' nature. She's lived with you for 15 years so there's no need to turn the light on. And then you hear that crash and splash and that shriek. (audience laughing) she told you to leave the seat down. (audience laughing) you promised her you'd leave the seat down. Guess what. Seat wasn't down. Seat wasn't down. Now she's got a cold porcelain ring around a warm part of her, her knees are up to her chin, and she's stuck. (audience laughing) she's the one sporting a bull's-eye but you're the one in trouble. Major deep, so what do you do? Can't help you there, little buddy. You're on your own. (audience laughing) (applause) well, I'll tell ya. Life is still the same mystery it's always been. Well, no, uncle red, I'm sorry I was doubting you guys. I do not smell ian the composter, so you were absolutely right in what you were doing. Don't be so sure, harold. I was wrong -- I'm sorry. I don't smell ian so you were right in putting in those motor windings and antifreeze and socks. I was wrong. The reason you don't smell ian is because he's gone, harold. What? Gone? How's he gone? He left under his own power in the night. He got up, and you can see the path. The grass is dead and there's acid burns in the tree bark. Uncle red, what have you created? That monstrosity's heading right for town! Harold, he'll have to cross mercury creek. (laughing) if that doesn't finish him, the punks at the video arcade will. Oh, yeah! Look at this -- you did all that work, but yet, ♪ you still do not get your free beer nuts ♪ wrong again, mr. Overbite. Somebody brought over a 50-gallon drum of old peanut butter. We fished that out of the pile. We'll roll it into balls, dry it, salt it, and gobble them down. Well, isn't that nice? You'll become your own little composter. (possum squeal) meeting time. Grab some peanut butter and start rolling. Clean your fingernails first. If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. This is a good night to invite your parents over. I've seen so many chemical reactions today, it would be nice to be with something inert. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (cheering and whistling) (possum squeal) (harold): Ok, stand up. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. The travelling dentist is coming through town again. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!